Having this week off work was not a good idea as all I've done is mope about my bedroom crying and feeling sorry for myself. I should have know things would end like this, especially after how things ended last time, it was a stupid idea to think that things would be ok this time.

If it hadn't been for me wanting to rush things then I suppose things would be different right now, he would still be in my life, but he needed to put hmself in my shoes. He wanted to marry me last year and he's now been telling me he doesn't even know if he wants a relationship with me....... what is so difficult, he already knows me, why is it such a big decision. To m it's either you love me and you want us to be together or you don't. There is no inbetween. There is no 'you will only see me when it fits in with you and your family', you will only speak to me when it's convenient for you and you'll reply to a text if you've nothing better to do. A relationship is a two way thing, give and take, no take, take and then take some more.

I knew I would notbe strong enough to not contact you at all, I text you the other day and said something about him not having been in contact, I therefore assumed thgs were 'over' between us. He said he hadn't made contact as I get upset when he does contact me.... too bloody right I get upset, I'm sick of not knowing where I stand. I text him back telling him why I got upset and he had to choose to either want a relationship of not......guess what?? No fucking response. I think I knew really that I would not get one. I've just text him again, told him that as I had not heard off him I was guessing he had chosen to not see me again. I told him that I thought he was making a mistake but if he did not want me then I have to move on. I would be pretty much correct to assume now that I will not get a response back from him.

This is breaking my heart all over again and it's knocked my confidence down to rock bottom.

I was watching tv the other day and Jodie Marsh was speaking about a low period in her life, how she had thoughts about wanting to run her car into a tree/lampost (I have thoughts like this everytime I'm behind the wheel of my car), only she said she obviously did not do it but booked herself a flight to Italy to go sit on top of a mountain alone to sort herself out. I only wish I had the money, but right now I think I'd feel worse by being alone.

I don't know what to do, I'm all alone in this world and with everyday that passes I wish more and more that I was not here. Moving here was supposed to be a fresh start but I just can not be bothered. I hate myself and everyone who enters my life ends up hating me too