I've not been on for a while as I've not been feeling too great. I think I was disillusioned when I thought everything was going to be ok between myself and SD. Things are far from ok.

I've been crying a lot lately, I put it down to my hormones but I really don't think it's that. He makes me feel this way. We both are looking at our 'relationship' (although we are not 'seeing' each other) differently. I want us to just go for it, I'm more than prepared to pack up here and move down there to him and see what happens, he on the other hand wants to take it more slowly. I appreciate that, and actually think that he's right, but how are we going to progress if we hardly speak or see each other.

We have a lot of things we need to talk through, but he's not ready, probably never will be. There's stuff he won't talk about in relation to my parents and the fact they sent him a letter when we split up but he's holding a grudge against them and feel like he's taking it out on me. I didn't ask them to write him a letter and personally I think he's being childish. They only expressed how upset they were that things had gone wrong and they asked if they could do anything to help us both to sort things out (well that is what mum tells me). He won't actually say what they wrote as he says he can't talk about it. Well things aren't going to improve unless he either does talk about it or he puts it behind him and forgets about it.... he can't (or won't) do either.

This taking it slowly thing may be ok for him, I mean, he coped better with the split than I did (or he appears to have done). I have to see him whe nit's convenient for him, when it suits him, doesn't matter what I want. I have to talk to him when it's convenient for him, not when I want to. If he rings me and I don't answer he gives me the 3rd degree, yet if I ring him and he doesn't answer, he was 'busy'. When it comes to seeing him, I have to fit in when it suits.... he'll not think twice about making plans to see other people or do other stuff, but when it comes to me wanting to plan to see him he just says "we'll sort something out". It's no wonder I feel like shit.

I have a very low opinion of myself and he's not helping, I don't want to loose him, I love him too much, but I can't carry on like this. If we just stop seeing each other I really don't know how I'm going to cope, I couldn't bear it. I'd feel worse than I do now. I wish there was an easy way to end it all