Well..... I did ring SD back the other evening. I'm not sure why I did it but I didn't like the fact that we had ended the conversation on bad terms.

We had a very good chat, very honest and although neither of us said to the other that it was the end....... I actually think that WAS the end of our non existent relationship.

Thinking about what I've lost makes me sad, but it's his loss if he can't sort his priorities out.... I've gone 2 whole months without contacting him, maybe it's time to go the rest of my life without contacting him. At present, I have no intention of getting in touch and if he contacts me, it depends on what he has to say but I think it's time I finally moved on. I was clinging on to something in the hope it could be just how we had both planned and as much as this hurts me to say it..... we could never get back what we lost, too much hurt on both sides. He has also in the past accused me of blaming him for everything, something which I never have done, but if he thinks that, I think he must be feeling guilty of something and maybe most of it was his fault. You only ever get my side here, it would be nice if he was out there writing his side of this story, compare notes etc.

Anyway, I need to concentrate my attention elsewhere, try and forget about him and make something of my life here only I'm scared. I'm scared of spending the rest of my life alone, scared of meeting anyone else in the fear of being hurt all over again, scared of even opening my mouth to speak at times incase I say something which can be used against me in the future.

I worry too much, I know, I also know I'm extremely confused and mixed up.

Rambling.... I know, I'm all over the place at the minute.

After reading Lifebegins post in the 'group' blog the other day I started to re read my own blog from the begining. I didn't get very far.... maybe it's time to let it lie, come back to it and re read it when I'm in a happier place in my life.