just incase anyone was wondering as to whether i actually went out on wednesday night....... i didn't!!

i put preparation into it, i drove out to where we were supposed to meet, menatally planned my outfit but in the end just couldn't go through with it. maybe i'm trying to do too much in one go!

i should have had a job interview on wednesday which i did not attend and one this morning which i also did not attend!

i did start to get ready to go this morning but i just feel so lousy.... my constant worrying about everything is causing a severe lack of sleep, lethargy, lack of motivation and my headache has come back. the headache that i saw the doc about several times last summer, the headache that stayed with me for a good few weeks. it comes and goes at the moment but i feel momentum building up and it probably won't be long before it's back on a more permanent basis.

i was in my room earlier having not gone for the interview and mum came up to see me. i tried to talk to her but it just didn't happen. i told her how i worry about everything, i'm worried the job isn't going to materialise just like the last one didn't. how i'm worried about money...... debts need paying and my cars insurance and MOT is due on the 12th of february. she just said not to worry, they'll help and off she went. she doesn't understand..... i'm greatful for their help but why should they bail me out again, it's not their responsibility. i've failed them so much in the past and i'm worried that i'll do the same all over again which is why i prefer to live my life in my room........ the less i venture out into the world then the less chance there is of my completely messing things up again. i'm also worried about starting work....... should this job come off then i'm absolutley petrified, petrified that i'll be treated the same as i was in the last job.