well, i'm afraid my positive attitude towards this new year lasted until 11pm. my sister text me to say she'd got engaged. don't get me wrong, i am happy for her, but just when i think i'm 'coping' something happens which hurts me and brings back al those memories of things i can no longer have with the man who i thought i'd share the rest of my life with. he's not been in contact for almost a month now, and deep down i know he won't. i know i won't contact him, i made that decision a long time ago, but there's stil this little part of me that hold onto the fact that maybe, one day, we can get all that back. the people that care about me the most would tell me i'd be stupid to go back to him if he asked, i also know they're right. maybe, just maybe i'm not as ready to move on as what i thought. what hurts me the most though is that i know its not as hard for him to get over this as it is for me. he pretty much started to close the dor on our life together when he decided he wasn't going to marry me and that must have happened sometime before he actually admitted it to me 'didn't want to hurt me' was what he said. bullshit. he didn't want to cope with the fall out!! well he didn't did he. it was my family and friends who'd all been invited to the wedding, my family and friends who'd organised transport/places to stay..... he hadn't even bothered to post the invites to his friends and family.

shit, shit, shit.......

my sister and her fiance are on their way over, it was already planned that they were coming over for a meal today, only thier engagement yesterday wasn't planned. i've hibernated in my room so far today and wish i coulod stay here, but i better go face them once they're here. i know she's as worried about seeing me as i am her, mum's told me. all there is to do now is put some make up on, it's the only thing that'll stop me crying all afternoon!!

anyone out there wanna swap lives for a few hours????