having another one of those 'don't quite know what to do with myself days'!! parents left 2hrs ago and are away for the night. mum suggested i go spend the night at my brothers or sisters but i don't want to impose (and never would unless expressly invited, always feel like i'm in the way) and it's hard to spend time with them. They've both been in their relationships forever and they're both a lot younger than i am and here's me having failed at my second 'serious' relationship.

spent too much time lately thinking about you.... you left 5 missed calls on sunday night as i refused to answer, but now i'm just praying for you to ring so i can answer and talk to you, i'm driving myself mad constantly wondering 'will you ring me later'. it's not good not having anything to do with my day. after completely moving my life to a differnet part of the country i feel all alone. my so called friends (the girl who was going to be my bridesmaid and the bloke who has been my closest friend for the best part of 7 years (purely platonic)) have not even bothered to just say, how are you doing? what's happening in your life? and why do i care, because i thought they were different. i've never been much good at keeping in contact with people and i'm not in touch with anyone from my younger days as things always went wrong! it's obvious that there's soemthing wrong with me if my so called friends act like all the other friends i've had in the past. you put your trust in someone 100% and they let you down like a lead balloon! these people took the time and effort to knock their way through this brick wall you've built up to protect yourself adn what do they do.. they hurt you worse than the last person.

take you for example, our relationship moved really quickly but there was something about you, i'd never felt for anyone the way i felt for you, you had to knock through that brick wall, you said i shouldn't tar all men with the same brush, you said you weren't like that, you said you'd never let me down! how gullable i was.... you let me down big time! i don't like you for that, but i still love you...

somedays i can't wait for the day where i wake up and my first thoughts aren't about you, can't wait to have something else to do besides think about you almost constantly, but today i just want you knock on my door, tell me we can sort everything out and whisk me away to start a new life with you......