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  • 12 months ago

    by flojo666 Pro @ Saturday, 05. Jul, 2008 – 16:14:07

    It was probably around this time last year that I seriously began having problems at work to the extent I was having time off sick. I wasn't coping very well at all especially as there was no 'relief' from worries as home life was just as bad.

    I was pondering earlier about how the last 12 months have gone and whether I've actually progressed/grown as a person and I'm sort of feeling like I've taken a few steps backwards!

    Ok, so I have a job and I chose one with less responsibilities due to my knock of confidence but I feel less confident now than I did 2 years ago, I feel that with every day that passes my confidence is just dwindling away.

    Ok, I have a roof over my head but living with my parents is not my ideal situation to be in but I'm pretty much stuck! Until I can do something about my confidence I can't get a better job to earn better money to be able to support myself, and until I can get a better job my confidence is not going to increase! Viscious circle.

    I've been thinking more and more recently about a complete change of career but what on earth could I do with no qualifications in any other field apart from care???

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  • Wasting my time

    by flojo666 Pro @ Wednesday, 02. Jul, 2008 – 22:24:36

    I spent all day sunday and monday deliberating what to do about SD! I really do not know why I bothered. I should have known that nothnig had changed so why did I think that it would be different now.

    He wanted to meet me and I'd kept saying no when I spoke to him on saturday. When I got home from work on sunday I told my mum he'd been in contact and she said it's upto me what I do.

    Yesterday morning I text him to say I'd meet him in Sheffield, we could grab something to eat and have a chat..... do you know what his response was??? He wanted to know why I wouldn't stay over! One track bloody mind. I'm not denying the sex is (was) absolutely fantastic and I know how much he fancies me as he's never stopped saying that. I text him back and said I wanted us to meet and not sleep together as I thought we should see if there was anything else there that we could try and put right (if possible).

    That was yesterday morning and there has been no response what so ever. My conclusion is that for the last few months all he's used me for is the sex and to buy me presents to keep me sweet. Think he thinks that buying someone a gift will keep them quiet and be grateful. I was always grateful but my affections can not be bought. My affections were already there but I'm afraid he's blown it now and that absolutely kills me to admit that. I must now remain determined and completely ignore him.

    Mum suggests I send him that letter I thought about writing and let him know exactly how I feel. She also suggests I change my number so he can not contact me (I don't need to move as he doesn't know my current address).

    I need to try and move on once again!!! My weekend away is now paid (check is in the post to pay the balance and I am absolutley petrified about going away by myself), an appoinment is made at the hairdressers for the 17th September, I am on week 2 of going to the gym and I am currently going 3 times a week (monday, wednesday and friday), I am looking for a job that pays better money (often think about a change in career but I've never done anything else so I wouldn't know what to do) and I am waiting for the college to contact me regarding enrolment onto an evening class (something else I'm petrified of doing on my own).

    Just one problem...... I'm absolutley shit scared of being on my own for the rest of my life.

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  • Why??

    by flojo666 Pro @ Sunday, 29. Jun, 2008 – 19:40:28

    Why did you ring me yesterday?

    Why did you tell me all the things you know I want to hear (again)?

    Why could you just not leave me alone? It was you who broke it off remember!

    Why did you ask to meet me?

    Why did you ask me to go away with you?

    Why am I so mixed up?

    Why do I still love you after everything you've done?

    Why does everything seem so perfect when we spend time together, yet they're far from perfect when we're apart?

    Why did I not just barr your number?

    Why does it have to be so complicated?

    Why, oh why does life have to be so bloody difficult???

    Why am I sat here wishing for you to ring/text me?

    Why do I want to see you again?

    Why can't I just forget you exist?

    Why, after everything that has happened do I still think that we can work things out???

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  • Reclaiming bank charges

    by flojo666 Pro @ Monday, 23. Jun, 2008 – 22:24:02

    Has anyone out there actually attempted to do this???

    A distant family member has told us to go ahead and reclaim but I'm not sure. My parents have so far got a copy of their bank statments from the last 6 years and are in the process of detailing what they want to reclaim.

    Is it actually worth it?? Does anyone know a good place to go for advice?? We've been told to look at www.moneysavingexpert.com Are we looknig in the right place or is there somewhere better???

    All advice would be gratefully received.

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  • A productive weekend

    by flojo666 Pro @ Monday, 23. Jun, 2008 – 22:20:48

    Well considering I've just had 3 days off which I had originally planned to spend with the ex I think it's been quite productive. I've been doing loads of reading up about the comapny I've booked my weekend away with and it all seems good so far.

    Went to the gym this afternoon and am now a fully fledged member. My instructor was a bit of a cow though and think I need to see someone else next time I go to get some better instructions on how to use the equipment properly and there's one exercise I told her I was not comfortable doing and she said to 'persevere' with it. Now I know she's the expert but it's my body and I know what it is capable of doing and it's not going to be doing that exercise!! Me and mum have booked a session for wednesday afternoon and friday morning as we've decided that for the first couple of weeks it would be better (more for me than her) if we went together until we (I) get used to using the equipment and feel comfortable in the surroundings (I've already planned it in my head where I'm going to park and my walking route to the gym for when the time comes to go there alone). This forward planning may seem strange to some folk but it's something I have to do and as I've paid up already then I will go as I won't want to lose the money.

    I've done a little 're-vamp' on my website and got more stuff on there and there is still a lot more to do but it's very time consuming and boring. I plan to get more advertising soon but I'm awaiting pay day.

    I did forget to ring the college about the jewellery course and I also forgot to go to the hairdressers to enquire about the models they are after. I will go later in the week when I remember. Not in too much of a rush until pay day.

    And I am spending far too much time on Facebook...... I seriously need to get a life!

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  • Being brave...

    by flojo666 Pro @ Saturday, 21. Jun, 2008 – 22:58:25

    I have this mental list in my head of things to do and I've actually done something about some of them and I feel just great.

    Not sure if I mentioned joining a local gym (one of those for people who are scared of gyms and it's women only). The machines are air pressured and I really don't know much about them but I have an appointment on monday for my registration, sign up, measuring/weighing etc and a programme will be made up for me. I'm also, on monday going to pay into the bank the cash I got for the sale of my engagement ring so I don't squander it on rubbish and as I've decided I need my hair doing and want a complete restyle I'm also going to pop into this hair dressers I've seen in town that are looking for models for their trainees. I'm not bothered who does it as the trainees have to learn somewhere, they will be supervised and the chances are I'll get a new hair on the cheap.

    There are really two other reasons as to why I'm feeling very proud of myself and that is because I want to actually learn some proper skills regarding jewellery making and there are two colleges in the area which offer short courses in an evening, I've applied (online) for one college and have the number of the other to ring them next week.

    The scariest thing of all though is I've just booked myself a weekend break through a singles company (thanks for the suggestion granddad!). I was actually looking at crafting holidays and could only find ones where you booked a self catering cottage for a few days and then booked sessions doing crafts on top. I was more looking for a couple of days away with the crafting included and it be in a hotel, not a cottage. Anyway, I then typed 'specialist holiday' into my search engine and loads of singles holidays came up. just clicked one for a look and they do 'discovery weekends' in this country for you to get a taste of what it's like on a singles hoiliday. It's £199 (only paid £25 deposit) and it's a Thistle hotel in St Albans for 2 nights dinner bed and breakfast. A Rep meets you, you have your own en suite room, rep with you through dinner and it says you change tables between courses so as to get to know lots of people, and then there is dancing afterwards. After breakfast the next morning there is a trip into St Albans and in the evening, it's dinner and dancing again and then next morning after breakfast you go to a meeting which just tells you more about the company as they do holidays all over the world. I'm quite excited, although extremely apprehensive about going away alone as I'm not very good at socialising with people I don't know, I'd even go as far to say I have a phobia of socialising!! I have just over 2 months to get it into my head that I'm going to have to try and be somewhat 'outgoing' for 2 whole days, but at least there is always the option to escape to my own room if I need to.

    I do feel really pleased with myself and I have my moments every day where I cry and feel sorry for myself over what has happened. I think I would feel better if there was a geniune reason instead of a lame excuse! I just thin that if I can be a little pro active in doing things for myself and organising activities for me to do then I won't have as much time on my hands to think about him. If I can start doing things for myself instead of relying on others then I'll be living my life for me and maybe I'll start to feel happy in myself and about myself.

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  • Who was I trying to kid

    by flojo666 Pro @ Wednesday, 18. Jun, 2008 – 22:45:48

    when I said I was going to not use here to wallow in my own self pity. These last few days have been full of memories, some not particularly pleasant. Today I would have been the anniversary of our engagement and I couldn't stop thinking about him. What made it worse was where I went today whilst at work. I ended up taking one of the people I support to the local bowling alley. Nothing unusual in that I hear you say. Normally, no. I'd never been to this particular bowling alley but I remember vividly the last time I went bowling. It was last year, 16th June, the day I should have got married. My so called friends took me out for lunch and then bo wling and we got drunk. By 5pm we were at a childs birthday party as one of my friends double booked herself and I was home in bed by 6.30pm as my 'friends' had had enough. In all honesty, I knew they weren't my true friends, I knew things were falling apart there, I blame myself for this but if they were my friends they would understand how I am in social settings and make allowances for that, not completely distance themselves from me. Needless to say I have still not really heard of some of them and I have no intention of contacting them. I don't want to contact them as I feel let down, not one of them was anywhere to be seen when I needed help last year.

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  • Great to be back....

    by flojo666 Pro @ Tuesday, 17. Jun, 2008 – 17:29:47

    Well this does feel good!

    I have my laptop back in full working order and I've logged onto here for aquick post.

    I have to admit I have nothing significant to say as I am completely determined not to wallow in my own self pity, and even though I am miserable most days I'm going to try and stay positive on here as it may rub off in other areas of my life.

    Not been upto much really over the last few weeks, launched my website which I'm quite proud of, although I need to do something about advertising it as there have not been many visitors and I've not been lucky enough to actually sell anything yet. I went for a look around a gym last week with my mum and we are both thinking about signing up as I could do with losing some weight and I'm also wanting to go on holiday but am a bit scared about going away on my own. I'd find it extremely difficult to chat to other people so I thought about going through a company that is specifically for singles but they are just too expensive. I have therefore resigned myself to the fact that a holiday may not happen this year, but seeing as I did go to Cornwall over Easter it's not as though I've not had a holiday at all this year.

    I have also thought about looking into doing a course at college but I've so much on at work at the moment. I'm enrolled on two different (mandatory) training courses which are both distance learning which have to be completed quite quickly so I think an extra course may be slightly impractical at the moment.

    I made a list of things to do the other day but there's little time to fit any of it into my life at the minute, but I'm going to slowly start looking at them as there will come a time where I do have free time on my hands.

    By the way, mum's ankle is ok, she just has to stay off it for 48hrs, but she's not!

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  • LIFE......

    by flojo666 Pro @ Monday, 16. Jun, 2008 – 22:25:26

    Well my life has had it's ups and downs lately but there is nothing new there. I'm going to spare you all the details for now but things are finally over between myself and SD. His timing was just perfect as today would have been our wedding anniversary if things had all turned out as we had originally planned. I'm trying not to dwell too much, but my heart has been broken all over again.

    I made a decision last week to start coming back on here again as I've been away for a while and then my laptop packed in!! Manage to sneak onto my step dads on the odd occasion to check emails but he's not keen on me using it but he's not home right now...... received a phone call about half an hour ago, just as I got in from work to tell me that he's at A&E with my mum who has fallen downstairs.

    Will let you know how she is when I get chance, they think it's just sprained but always best to check and hopefully I'll be back in action on here more often once my laptop is returned.

    P.S. finally got round to selling my engagement ring today..... was bought for about £850 and I got £87 for it!! Better off in my pocket than his though.

    Ta ta for now x

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  • Microsoft Word

    by flojo666 Pro @ Tuesday, 03. Jun, 2008 – 21:18:40

    Does anyone know where I can get a cheap copy of some form of word???? Been enrolled on some course at work and it's on disc. I only have basic wordpad and notepad on my laptop and it will not open the doc programs on the disc...... Really do not want to have to spend £85 (which is what the current basic word package costs) if I really do not have to...... HELP, I really am a novice.

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