Alright, so it's not all of them, just the one - SIMON.

Life has been plodding along quite nicely for me lately. Apart from being full of a cold and completely stressing out at work 'cos I feel like my actions are under constant scrutiny I've actually been ok. Hardly had a minute to think about Simon at all, really don't know how long ago it was since I last spoke to him - 2, 3, 4 weeks?!?! No idea.....

That was unitl about half an hour ago....... The phone rang, I answered it, like you do when it rings and it was him, wanting a 'chat', all pleasant as though nothing had ever happened. The conversation lasted all of about 2 minutes and he was soooo pleasant it was almost sickening and now, I'm sat here in a complete mess. Why did he even bother? Why can't he just leave me alone? He said he didn't want anything to do with me and then rings!

And now I have a bloody headache, one of those horrible stress ones I get that you just can't shift with painkillers.

I need to stop stressing quite so much! I text my agent yesterday asking her which tenancy deposit scheme my deposit is being held. With there being a total lack of her and the ladnlord doing absolutely anything right (hence me moving) I was slightly worried, ok, a LOT worried that I'm not going to get my deposit back before christmas which means I'm going to be slightly strapped for cash over the festive period with having to pay a new deposit on the nes flat next month. Anyway, she never got back to me yesterday. I woke up this morning in a right mess. So many tears and stressing over such a little thing. I tried to ring her, no answer. I started writing an email but I was a bit abrupt so deleted it. Did even more research on the internet about my rights (it turns out you don't actually have that many and if the landlord chooses to take too long to do a repair you just have to put up with it!) and ended up texting the agent again. I had managed to calm myself down by this point and just said I would pay my rent as usual tomorrow but it would be my last payment. I would be leaving on the 3rd December. I also asked for an answer to my text from yesterday. I spent the next couple of hours wondering and worrying and she eventually replied. Apologised for the delay and said thanks for informing her of my moving date and she told me the landlord took care of the deposit and she told me which company she was lead to believe he uses.... I went onto this company's website and could find no reference of my money being held by them. I've text her back and asked for the code off the certificate he will have recieved upon placing my money with them. I've not bothered with the whole legal requirement thing as I'm trying to be nice about it. They'll have no reaosn to hold any of my deposit and it's actually me that is being inconvenienced by not being able to close one of my windows and being driven round the bend by the constant drip, drip, bloody drip!!!!

On a more cheerful note, I decided to treat myself for luch and took a walk to the local sandwich shop for one of their delicious ham salad sandwiches (and a sneaky piece of cake). My healthy eating has just gone out of the window at the moment. Well, on my return I decided to check the post box and there was a very large envelope there for me....... it's the details of my new flat, new tenancy agreement to sign and return and I got all excited agian, I really can't wait. I'm off to my mum's in a bit as she's looking after my baby nephew tonight and I'm going to bring home some boxes and start packing!

......... and I really don't know why!?!

I've had quite a good and busy few days. I found out on Thursday that I've got the flat I went for and I was over the mood. I was so excited. Spent the weekend with my family and then today I just can't seem to stop crying.

All the usual thoughts keep going through my head and I can't seem to be able to make them stop.

Fat, ugly, lonely, waste of space, everybody hates me, I hate myself, I hate my job, I have no confidence in myself what so ever, people walk all over me, no friends, no life, nothing...... my whole life is one big nothing

Went out flat hunting again on Friday morning with mum and we saw some places that you'd not even wish your enemies lived in! How they get away with putting these places up for rent is beyond me but I think I've found the perfect place to live.

I'd arranged to meet the agent (from a reputable firm) to see a flat not too far away. This flat looked really nice in the photo and the spec looked good too. This had 2 bedrooms and also a garage for less than what I'm paying now. It was a second floor flat and the flats were all built around a small private courtyard for parking. On our was in, the agent said there was another one available on the first floor and did I know. I didn't so she let us into the flat to take a look. We walked into a very tiny entranceway before going through a door into the lounge. This was really quite bright and light and it was the full length of the building with the light obviously coming in through both sides. Quite a bit bigger than the one I have here. Two more doors led off the lounge. One near the back of the room which led to a nice bright spacious kitchen (well more spacious than I have now and my current kitchen does not have any natural light!) with the only downside being very little cupboard space. The other door off the lounge led to a corridor which had 4 doors coming off it. One the left was the main bedroom, straight in front was the small second bedroom and on the left was the lovely bathroom and a very large storage cupboard. I absolutely loved it. Me and mum were both walking round saying where we thought my furniture would look best!!

We then went upstairs to the one on the second floor. The bathroom was smaller, as were both bedrooms and the kitched was also smaller and was open plan with the living area. The only feature I loved in this one was the shelf that rested on the end of some exposed beams along the whole length of the living area. We went straight back downstairs to have another look around that one.

We went to some more after this, but I'd pretty much made my mind up that I was going to go for it. We went down to the agency for an application form and the earliest opportunity I have to take my completed form and relevant paperwork in is 4pm monday afternoon....... fingers crossed no one has put in for it before I do as I WANT IT!

I've decided this year to knit some of my christmas presents. My baby nephew already has 2 jumpers ready and I'm half way through doing my toddler nephew a jumper. Planned to do another for baby, a jacket with matching bobble hat and then I did myself a jumber earlier this year and mum has decided she wants one so I've started hers too!!! Someone at work has a little girl a bit older than my baby nephew and as there is no girl in the family to knit for I've said I'll do her some pink stuff for Christmas. There's also a couple fo things I'd like to do for myself but just not enough time in the day (spend too much of it on facebook!). This afternoon I'm off to learn a new skill - how to crochet.

I have so far neglected to mention that I started tap dancing recently, at least I don't think I've mentioned it. I've not been for a couple of weeks though. The first week I never went as I was far too busy with last minute preperations for my sisters wedding (I did all her stationary and also the bridal jewellery including my very first 'proper' tiara) and then last week I was soooo tired, plus seeing as I'd missed a week I was nervous about going back. For the past couple of days I've been telling myself that there is nothing to be nervous about, I just need to turn up. Tonight is the class and tonight I WILL go!!! Let's hope the nerves don't beat me.

Drip, drip, bloody drip!

The telly is on far too loud to drown out the dripping. It drives me insane someitmes! It also drives me mad that the landlord quite frequently turns up at the flats to see the live in handyman yet he can't be bothered to pay me a visit. Just one little visit would make me feel a whole lot better about the situation for a day or two.

I sometimes feel like a stuck record.... all I seem to do lately to people is complain about my leak!

Telly's on the blink, keeps switching the picture off, roll on January sales as I'm going to treat myself to a new one.

I told myself that today I was going to sort out my 'junk' cupboard but really can't be bothered as I'm WAY too addicted to facebook and just want to play games!

Like there isn't enough going on in my life right now I've decided I should move!!

When I moved in here (27th May 2009) there was a leak at one of my windows. It took about 6-8 weeks for it to be fixed and at no point did anyone even come into my flat to look at the problem, I was told that is was the guttering and let me tell you that not a week went past where I was not asking for an update and all I kept getting told from my agent was the landlord was waiting for his roofer chap to have a look.

Well almost 4 weeks ago it started dripping again. Again no one has been to have a look I've just been told that it'll be the guttering and the landlord is waiting for his roofer chap to have a look (and I'm sick of hearing this!). Last week I'd had enough, rang the CAB and as I'd never actually put it in writing what the problem is then they suggested I do that first and take some pictures of the window etc. They also told me that my landlord might not take too kindly to a letter and he might want to end my tenancy!!! The cheek!!!

Anyhow, the drip is still dripping and it's driving me mad!!! Been to see 6 different flats of the last 2 days but I'm not rushing! No way do I want to end up with a problem like I have now and I've also decided to go with a well know estate agency next time instead of a two bit company.

The two I viewed yesterday were both one bed second floor flats in a small 1960 build block. They didn't look like much on the outside but weren't too bad on the inside and each of them had a teeny tiny balcony that would be nice to sit out on in summer with a glass of wine and a book! Went to see two this morning that used to be 2 semi detatched houses. Both house have been converted into two one bed flats. From the outside the place looked really nice and the price was not too bad but they were just a little on the small side on the inside (and the rear garden was very overgrown and not nice to look at). This afternoon I ended up at some place that is charity run and only accepts single occupants into the properties. The first was in a big old house which turned out to be a bed sit, not exactly what I'm looking for. The second was in a small block next to the house which turned out to be quitre similar to where I am now, only a bit smaller.

I've spent the last couple of hours trawling the pages on the internet looking for some more and I'm already booked in to see a couple more on friday, but no rush, I'm not rushing into anything this time.

MEN - so many times I've said he's out of my life then he comes crawling back, not any more. It has taken me sooooooo long to accept he doesn't want me. WHY? I'll never know........

My sisters wedding just over a week ago went really well and I thought that it would be a bad day fro me but it really wasn't. Think the thing that helped me through was the fact that I helped mum to look after my nephews so I really had no time at all to dwell on my own miseries!

Watched 'THIS MORNING' the other week and they were discussing abortion. Someone rang in and said they'd had one and had not had any counselling either before or after and they described how they felt about themselves and it sounded just like me so I've arranged to go and see someone next week to talk about the fact that I had one over 10 years ago to see if it's going to help me feel better about myself.

I've stopped taking my anti-depressants, Dr wanted to take me off them anyway as she thought I was better! Not sure how taking a few pills is going to make you feel better if nothing else changes as you'd still feel the same way! Stopping was not the right thing to do but I'm doing ok so far, get a bit teary at times but I think I'm doing ok.

Having major problems at work, I'm just not coping. Feel like my manager 'has it in for me'!! It feels at the moment like I'm back in my previous place of work and I ended up walking out of there without another job to go to...

Everything goes ok for a while and then things start going wrong, too much going on in my head and need to start sorting it out!

On a more positive note, seeing as I've had so many problems with my landlord since I moved here I've an appointment to go see a couple of flats in a few minutes.

i've not taken any for almost 2 weeks now, i also stopped taking my pill!! i had 1 anti depressant left and decided i'd take it this morning along with one of my contraceptive tablets...... i also nipped down the doc's and dropped off my repeat prescription and i'll pick up some more tablets tomorrow. i reckon i'll fell a bit better within myself in a couple of weeks if i take these pills and then i'll be able to do something about the way i'm feeling, or at least i hope i can.

I've not been here for such a long time, it was intially because i really did not have the time, but now, I just spend all my time crying. I've stopped taking my anit depressants. Last time I went to see the doctor she told me that seeing I was a lot better then it was about time I came off them...... OK, I know I should have stopped them gradually but what's the point in wasting money on a bunch of tablets that are only going to make me feel like this when they're stopped completely. Nothing has changed in my life at all, I still think the same things about myself, still worry far too much about the little things, still dwell on things that have happened in the past and just can't let go of them, I'm still lonely, find it difficult to function on a daily basis. The tablets were only a temporary fix, what on earth am I supposed to do for a permanent fix??? That I don't konw.

I was clearing out some stuff yesterday in mum's garage and came across a couple of albums. One was of my engagement and one was full of keepsakes and memories of things we'd done together. I was really good and threw them out. I finally alos yesterday completely erased all trace of him from my mobile phone. Why can't I just get this bloke out of my head? I've not seen him in over 12 months, it's well over 2 years since we should have got married........ I know so many people who have split with partners and then got new ones in the last year, let alone 2 years, why can't I just move on and do the same????

On a more positive note, I was really brave last week and did something really impulsive....... I saw an advert in the local paper about an adult tap dancing class. It's something I've thought about getting back into for ages....... well I just went. It was great fun and I hope I go again next Wednesday.